Carnival of Monsters: The Mandrels

Carnival of Monsters

Number Five: The Mandrels

There is an argument that asserts that because Season 16 relied primarily on humanoid foes, Shrivenzales and Ogri aside, the designers responsible for creating Doctor Who’s menagerie of menaces rather forgot how to design decent-looking monsters. Coupled with a budget that didn’t stretch nearly far enough, there was a growing problem. Not that the writers held back in their imaginings. When Season 17 was broadcast, we ended up with mangy-looking Daleks, Nimons in blue tights, a giant inflatable plastic bag called Erato and the admittedly nightmarish Scaroth.

Then there are the Mandrels in Nightmare of Eden.

Written as large and dangerous creatures, there’s something almost brilliant about their design. They have glow-in-the dark eyes, arms that are far too long for their bodies, and flared legs that could only have come from the seventies. The Mandrels are only a short distance away from being a classic design. I think they are completely brilliant.

Yet it is in their execution where something goes tragically wrong. Like the Slitheen twenty-five years later, monsters with long arms look good until they actually have to attack. Then all the poor performers inside them can do is flail wildly and hope that something connects. In Nightmare of Eden, the Mandrels main method of attack seems to be to swing and hope. Several characters die from what appear to be the most glancing of blows and yet the Doctor survives a full on wrestling match with one.

Although their importance to the plot is immensely clever, it actually relies on them becoming the victims in the story and to be almost domesticated by K9’s dog whistle, following the sound and making noises of bliss. They are like big hairy doggies. So instead of being the fearsome beasts that everyone in the story describes, they become almost cute. The BBC should have marketed Mandrel dolls in the seventies as cuddly plush teddies. They would have made a mint. I can imagine the response of children throughout the land when they saw one...

Unfortunately for the designers, at the same time Nightmare of Eden was first broadcast, The Muppet Show was also at its height, and it is hard to look at a Mandrel without seeing Sweetums, the big shaggy Muppet monster with the huge mouth who eats bunnies...

Carnival of Monsters: The Brains of Morphoton

Carnival of Monsters

Number Four: The Brains of Morphoton

I love the Brains of Morphoton. I’m a sucker for a brain in a jar. When I grown up I want to be one.

They sit around all day in their glass jars in a darkened room with nothing in the way of entertainment, not even a screen to watch their minions. Even Sutekh had a ZX Spectrum to keep him occupied down the millennia. What can they possibly do to relieve their boredom?

Brain 1: Did you hear about Morbius? He bought a new glass jar off eBay.

Brain 2: Oh, he’s such a show-off, always boasting about that new body he’s got on the way, and that it’s got a magnificent head.

(SILENCE FOR A FEW MINUTES).

Brain 2: Dorium's got Wi-Fi installed. Why can't we get it?



Brain 1: We don't need Wi-Fi. It's too expensive and besides we outgrew porn when we outgrew our bodies. Let's play a game instead.



Brain 2: (SIGHS) I spy with my little eye...

And for a people whose brains have outgrown their bodies because of their intelligence, their devices are so literally and amusingly named. We have the Mesmeron, for mesmerising people, and the Somnor discs for sending people to sleep. Clearly this is a people who haven’t invented Time Team with Tony Robinson. Watching that’s the most effective way to send someone to sleep.

The Brains only appear to have one voice. Maybe they pass it between them. When they chant ‘Kill her, kill her, kill her, KILL HER’ at Ian as he is trying to kill Barbara, I can’t help thinking if only it had been Susan he was strangling, I’d have been chanting with them.

But most of all I love the scene where Barbara attacks them with a beaker. I especially like the Brain that apparently dies of fright before Barbara gets anywhere near it. Just look at the poor fella’s eye stalk droop in terror.

Carnival of Monsters: The Time Beetle

Carnival of Monsters

Number Three: The Time Beetle

ALICE: There’s something on your back!

DONNA: Oh, that’s just my novelty rucksack. Do you like it?

ALICE: Hmmm, looks a bit plastic to me.

Ah, the Time Beetle, somehow part of the Trickster’s Brigade. And what exactly is this Brigade? Do they hang out together down the pub with the Black Guardian, plotting mischief and playing pool? A brigade is a subdivision of an army. Whose army does the Trickster belong to, then? Oliver’s? The England cricket team’s barmy army?

Now, since its return in 2005, there have been very few poor monsters in Doctor Who. The Time Beetle in Turn Left is definitely one of them. No wonder it was invisible most of the time. The poor fella was embarrassed by how it looked. There’s nothing remotely scary about it. It just looks fake. The carapace isn’t shiny enough and nothing moves on it. No amount of Graeme Harper cross-cutting brilliance can save this one.

SPANISH MAID: Hay algo en su parte posterior

DONNA: You what?!

SPANISH MAID: Parece una mochila plástica a mí.

DONNA: Oi, watch it, Eva Peron!

Surely the CG effects budget must have run out. Imagine a computer-generated version, all bustling wings and bristling limbs. Imagine it crawling up Donna’s back, dragging its shiny body upwards. Brrrr. That would have traumatised me, not just the nation’s children.

And yet... Turn Left is a brilliant story. The Time Beetle is only a tiny part of something wonderful. Its awfulness doesn’t detract from the genius concept. Maybe it wasn’t worth a portion of the CG budget, not with false regenerations and Dalek attacks on New York still to come. Maybe Russell T. Davies got it right. But the Time Beetle is still crap.

Anyway, Mr T. Davies missed a trick. He should have called it a CLOCKroach!!!

I’ll get me coat...

Carnival of Monsters: The Enormous-Headed Ice Warrior

Carnival of Monsters

Number Two: The Enormous-Headed Ice Warrior

The Ice Warriors are one of the best-looking monsters from the original series. They look hard enough to actually do you some real damage, assuming they could lumber fast enough to catch you. I like to imagine that they are capable of a stunning turn of speed, like a crocodile, and if they caught you they would tear off your head and suck out your spine. And make your wife and children watch.

If a legion of Ice Warriors attacked your weather base on the moon, you’d be rushing off to change your underwear before the battle even started. They’re organised, well-drilled and their wibbly-wobbly mirror guns probably leave a nasty mark. The fact they have the word Warrior in their name signals tough times ahead. However, if this fellow led the assault, then that fearsome reputation would shatter like, erm, ice (Sorry...).

What happened to him? What tragic T-Mat accident made his head swell to twice its normal size? Did he accidentally shoot himself with his own wibbly-wobbly gun? It’s brave of him to carry on despite his terrible affliction, but surely the other Ice Warriors make little hissing sounds of laughter when he’s not around.

Carnival of Monsters: The Ergon

Carnival of Monsters

Number One: The Ergon.

I mean, seriously?

Q: Why did the Ergon cross the road?

A: He didn’t mean to, bless him. He was trying to walk in a straight line.

So Omega, the abandoned and bitter creator of Time Lord time travel, living in a lonely hell in an anti-matter universe, sustained only by the power of his own will, decides one day that he needs a friend, a loyal henchman who will do his bidding, provide deep intellectual company and be most pleasing on his non-existent eyes. After all, his gell-guards have become quite annoying ever since they discovered they could pop each other like bubble wrap.

So, in their place, he creates a walking chicken. When I say walking, I mean that in the loosest possible sense.

And Omega says he’s not insane...