Carnival of Monsters: The Time Beetle

Carnival of Monsters

Number Three: The Time Beetle

ALICE: There’s something on your back!

DONNA: Oh, that’s just my novelty rucksack. Do you like it?

ALICE: Hmmm, looks a bit plastic to me.

Ah, the Time Beetle, somehow part of the Trickster’s Brigade. And what exactly is this Brigade? Do they hang out together down the pub with the Black Guardian, plotting mischief and playing pool? A brigade is a subdivision of an army. Whose army does the Trickster belong to, then? Oliver’s? The England cricket team’s barmy army?

Now, since its return in 2005, there have been very few poor monsters in Doctor Who. The Time Beetle in Turn Left is definitely one of them. No wonder it was invisible most of the time. The poor fella was embarrassed by how it looked. There’s nothing remotely scary about it. It just looks fake. The carapace isn’t shiny enough and nothing moves on it. No amount of Graeme Harper cross-cutting brilliance can save this one.

SPANISH MAID: Hay algo en su parte posterior

DONNA: You what?!

SPANISH MAID: Parece una mochila plástica a mí.

DONNA: Oi, watch it, Eva Peron!

Surely the CG effects budget must have run out. Imagine a computer-generated version, all bustling wings and bristling limbs. Imagine it crawling up Donna’s back, dragging its shiny body upwards. Brrrr. That would have traumatised me, not just the nation’s children.

And yet... Turn Left is a brilliant story. The Time Beetle is only a tiny part of something wonderful. Its awfulness doesn’t detract from the genius concept. Maybe it wasn’t worth a portion of the CG budget, not with false regenerations and Dalek attacks on New York still to come. Maybe Russell T. Davies got it right. But the Time Beetle is still crap.

Anyway, Mr T. Davies missed a trick. He should have called it a CLOCKroach!!!

I’ll get me coat...